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  Alan Of course.

  Clare …

  There’s no easy way to say this.

  Alan Say what?

  Clare …

  Alan Clare?

  Clare Obviously, no one enters into a. Expecting.

  But, similarly, nor do you enter into, whatever it is that you wanna call this, expecting to be.

  You shouldn’t have asked me to leave.

  I’m not a piece of meat.

  Alan Clare –

  Clare No –

  Alan Why don’t we –

  Clare You shouldn’t have thrown me out like that.

  We weren’t finished.

  It really said something.

  The way you spoke to me.

  And, fine, I appreciate I’m not exactly the most, whatever, but.

  I think I’d just like to call it a day.

  She watches Alan.

  Alan, say something.

  Alan I understand.

  Clare You’re sure?

  Alan Of course.

  Clare watches Alan.

  She moves to go, stops.

  Clare Oh, there was one other thing actually: what’s the code to that photocopier, the one upstairs?

  I keep forgetting it.

  Alan It’s 29871.

  Clare 29871.

  Alan Yes.

  Exit Clare.

  Alan, alone.

  Enter Neil, a mess.

  Neil Hello, Alan.

  Alan Neil, Christ.

  Are you – Where’ve you –?

  Neil I don’t suppose you’d fancy getting me a little cup of water, would you?

  Exit Alan.

  He re-enters with a cup of water.

  Thank you.

  Alan Neil.

  Everyone has been.

  We didn’t know what had happened to you.

  Neil Oh really?

  Alan You disappeared, Neil.

  Neil sips water.

  Neil, where have you been? It’s been nearly –

  Neil Well. Well.

  Interestingly enough, I have actually been to Amsterdam.

  Alan What?

  Neil Capital city of the Netherlands.

  Alan …

  Neil I slept in the car, you see.

  Felt a little bit silly to be perfectly honest with you, Alan.

  They love their bicycles, you see.

  Alan Neil, Christ –

  Neil It was very straightforward.

  I drove up to Newcastle and I hopped on the car ferry.

  I’ve had a lovely time.

  Alan What on earth did you do?

  Neil Well.

  I visited the Sex Museum. Otherwise known as the Temple of Venus.

  Three euros.

  Cheap as chips.

  They have a kind of waxwork of Marilyn Monroe, air constantly blowing from underneath.

  It all felt so wonderfully relaxed.

  Lovely people, the Dutch.

  Have you ever been?

  Alan No. No, I’ve not.

  Neil Well, you really must.

  Alan We should take you home.

  Neil, I think that we should take you home.

  Neil It’s all legal, you see.

  Over there.

  None of this, confusion.

  None of this.

  The drugs, the women, all legal.

  Up for grabs.

  They let you do the most incredible things, Alan.

  My goodness.

  Alan …

  Neil It was all over her face at one point.

  Couldn’t make it up!

  Alan Neil, have you spoken to Alison?

  Neil No.

  No.

  Alan Why don’t we take you home?

  Neil Why don’t we indeed?

  I was stiff as a board, you know.

  Knew I still had it.

  She had such a lovely face.

  Terribly excited by it all she was.

  And I know what you’re thinking.

  Alan Neil –

  Neil Dirty little bugger.

  You dirty little bugger.

  But it’s just sex.

  Isn’t it?

  It is just sex.

  Why we’re all so het up about it, God only knows.

  Alan Let’s get you home.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Verulamium Park. Day.

  Tim and Michelle.

  Michelle I had a dream that we were married.

  Tim What?

  Michelle I had a dream that we were married.

  Tim Oh.

  Michelle We had a house.

  Tim What kind of house?

  Michelle Detached.

  Tim How many bedrooms did it have?

  Michelle Two.

  Tim Was pretty small then?

  Michelle It was big enough.

  Tim Where was it?

  Michelle Somewhere by the sea.

  Tim Sounds nice.

  Michelle Yeah, it was.

  …

  Tim Would you really wanna marry me?

  Michelle It was a dream, Tim.

  …

  Tim Did we have a baby then?

  Michelle Yeah.

  Tim Was it a boy or a girl?

  Michelle It was a girl.

  Tim Really?

  Fucking hell.

  I mean can you imagine?

  …

  Did it have a swimming pool?

  Michelle What?

  Tim The house, did it have a swimming pool?

  Michelle It was a two-bedroomed house, Tim, of course it didn’t have a swimming pool.

  Tim Oh.

  Michelle Besides it was by the sea.

  Tim Oh yeah.

  …

  I’m sorry.

  By the way.

  Sort of feel like I’ve not sort of said it properly yet.

  Michelle Thanks.

  …

  Tim It was still pretty amazing though.

  I mean if it hadn’t been for the –

  Michelle Tim.

  Tim No but I mean.

  It was.

  …

  Did you think it was shit?

  Michelle No.

  …

  Tim If it was though –

  Michelle Tim.

  Just be normal.

  …

  Do you think you might try asking her out again?

  Tim Doubt it.

  Whole thing was just pretty crushingly embarrassing.

  Michelle suddenly kisses Tim.

  They separate.

  …

  D’you fancy a fillet tower meal?

  Michelle What?

  Tim A fillet tower meal.

  D’you fancy one?

  Michelle …

  Tim What?

  Michelle watches Tim.

  Michelle ?!

  Tim I’m sorry.

  I just don’t really know why you just kissed me just then.

  Michelle Why d’you think, Tim?

  …

  Tim I don’t really like seagulls.

  That’s the only thing I’d say about living by the sea.

  He looks up.

  Well.

  I think if we’re gonna do it, we should probably do it now.

  I think it’s gonna rain.

  Michelle I don’t understand?

  Tim House-hunting.

  By the sea.

  We could go to the station.

  I don’t mind.

  Be nice to get out of St Albans.

  Could go to Dorset.

  What d’you think?

  Michelle Maybe in a bit.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Joy’s office. Day.

  Enter Stephen.

  Stephen Do say if you have to be somewhere else.

  Joy …

  Stephen I’ll be quick, I promise.

  Annabelle and I, we spoke on the phone.

  I wanted to come and say goodbye.

  Joy …

 
Stephen If you’re ever near Bristol.

  Anyway, I’m sure you’ve probably got.

  Take care.

  Stephen pecks Joy on the cheek.

  He lingers briefly.

  Joy Stephen –

  Enter Alan.

  Alan, Stephen.

  Stephen, Alan.

  Alan and Stephen shake hands.

  Stephen We met years ago.

  You had hair down to here.

  It was incredibly windy, can you remember?

  You had the most amazing pair of shoes on.

  Alan ?

  Stephen (to Alan) Good to see you again.

  (To Joy.) All the best.

  Exit Stephen.

  …

  Alan Good day?

  Joy Long.

  Alan Sorry to hear that.

  Joy Are you.

  …

  Alan I was thinking.

  I was thinking that we could all go out for dinner.

  Joy Why were you thinking that?

  Alan I’m sorry?

  Joy Why is that something that you think you might like to do?

  Alan Is. Is there something.

  Joy –

  Joy You’re going to have to do better than dinner, you realise that, don’t you?

  Mr Big King Swinging Bollocks.

  Alan Joy –

  Joy You need to do a better job. Actually.

  While we’re on the subject.

  Because.

  Alan …

  Joy I’ll see you at home.

  I’ll see you at home.

  Exit Alan.

  Joy, alone.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  Joy.

  Joy We took our honeymoon by the sea.

  Neither of us had a great deal of money back then.

  It was wonderful, though.

  There was something so old-fashioned about a honeymoon beside the seaside.

  I liked how unmodern it all felt.

  The only problem was the rain. We ended up soaked through.

  Alan said that he didn’t see any point going in the sea given how wet we already were.

  ‘Come on,’ I said.

  ‘It’ll be fun.’

  I managed to get him as far as the beach, but he refused to go any further.

  I went into the sea on my own.

  I went out as far as I could.

  I turned around and Alan was the size of a matchstick.

  ‘Come on,’ I said.

  ‘It’s lovely.’

  He waved, but still he didn’t come any closer.

  I started taking off my clothes.

  One by one.

  Alan stood up.

  He began walking towards me, towards the sea.

  I had my hands over my breasts.

  Slowly, he began to slog through the sea.

  ‘What’re you doing?’ he said.

  ‘You’ll catch a cold.’

  I watched as my clothes were carried away by the tide.

  I took my hands away from my breasts and I put my arms around him.

  We kissed.

  There’s a bit of me that still hopes, even after all these years, that the tide might still be carrying my clothes, that they might have made it to the other side of the world.

  And that someone might have found them.

  Cleaned them.

  There’s a bit of me that hopes, even now, that my clothes might have a new life altogether.

  Start again.

  About the Author

  Nick Payne’s plays include If There Is I Haven’t Found It Yet (Bush Theatre), The Lost Mariner (Royal Court, Rough Cut) and Starlings (Royal Court, 2008 Young Writers Festival Reading). He was awarded the 2009 George Devine Award for Most Promising Playwright and is the 2010 Pearson Playwright-in-Residence at the Bush Theatre.

  Copyright

  First published in 2010

  by Faber and Faber Ltd

  Bloomsbury House

  74–77 Great Russell Street

  London WC1B 3DA

  This ebook edition first published in 2010

  All rights reserved

  © Nick Payne, 2010

  The right of Nick Payne to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  All rights whatsoever in this work are strictly reserved. Applications for permission for any use whatsoever including performance rights must be made in advance, prior to any such proposed use, to Curtis Brown Group Ltd, 5th Floor, Haymarket House, 28–29 Haymarket, London SW1Y 4SP

  No performance may be given unless a licence has first been obtained.

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly

  ISBN 978–0–571–27289–1