Elegy Read online

  NICK PAYNE

  Elegy

  Contents

  Title Page

  First Performance

  Characters

  Dedication

  Epigraphs

  Elegy

  Seven

  Six

  Five

  Four

  Three

  Two

  One

  About Nick Payne

  Also by Nick Payne

  Acknowledgements

  Copyright

  Elegy was first performed at the Donmar Warehouse, London, on 21 April 2016. The cast, in order of speaking, was as follows:

  Carrie Barbara Flynn

  Lorna Zoë Wanamaker

  Miriam Nina Sosanya

  Director Josie Rourke

  Designer Tom Scutt

  Lighting Designer Paule Constable

  Sound Designer Ian Dickinson for Autograph

  Characters

  Carrie

  sixties

  Lorna

  sixties

  Dr Miriam Gomez

  forties or above

  For Minna, with all my love

  Every love story is a potential grief story. If not at first, then later. If not for one, then for the other. Sometimes, for both.

  Julian Barnes, Levels of Life

  (London: Jonathan Cape, 2013), p. 102

  As for me, I’ve arrived, already, at a state of self-protective forgetting. People are good at that, at moving on, dwindling the past into a story we tell ourselves, into parables, and choosing the future over the past.

  Andrea Gillies, Keeper

  (London: Short Books, 2009), p. 357

  We yearn for a type of knowledge that would make us other than we are – though what we would like to be, we cannot say.

  John Gray, The Soul of the Marionette

  (London: Allen Lane, 2015), p. 165

  ELEGY

  SEVEN

  Carrie I can tell you how we met if you like.

  Lorna If it’s useful.

  Carrie Is it useful for you, you tell me.

  Lorna I meant if it’s useful for you. To, I don’t know, to talk about it.

  Carrie You could ask me questions.

  Lorna Questions?

  Carrie About us, about anything. You like. Anything you want to know. And if I know –

  Lorna But –

  Carrie If I know, I’ll tell you. I’ll answer you.

  Lorna I find hearing about the past does me little to no good. But.

  Beat.

  Carrie We met in church. I was part of a choir. And you were hoping to – You came along, alone, and – You weren’t religiously inclined, by the way. If anything the opposite. I was – Well, every, when I’m feeling, every now and again, when I’m feeling particularly … We were teachers.

  Lorna I know.

  Carrie You do?

  Lorna I know that I was a teacher.

  Carrie You do, sorry.

  Lorna I know that much because I can still remember that far back.

  Carrie You can, yes.

  Lorna The only part that is gone is the last twenty, twenty-five or so years.

  Carrie ‘The only part’ …!

  Lorna Yes.

  Carrie Those years, to me you see, those years are – They’re everything.

  Lorna Yes.

  Carrie What about retiring, do you remember retiring?

  Lorna ‘Remember’ isn’t, I don’t know, isn’t strictly speaking, the right, I don’t know. They’re not memories any more so there’s no hope of me remembering them. Or forgetting them, you know, if you see what I mean.

  Carrie Well if you’re interested, that is something I can tell you about too.

  Beat.

  We started talking to each other in the church because we were both teachers. That was all I meant.

  Lorna What do you teach?

  Carrie Did.

  Lorna What did you teach.

  Carrie Religious studies.

  Lorna So you are, I don’t know, religious then, in some way or other?

  Carrie (beat) Listen, how are you?

  Lorna It –

  Carrie Since being discharged, how are you?

  Lorna Seems to be going well, I don’t know.

  Carrie I’m sure it is.

  Lorna I had a few speech, a few language, issues, but they seem to be on the wane.

  Carrie What does it feel like?

  Lorna What does what feel like?

  Carrie Not – Having this – Not having a piece of your life – How does that –

  Lorna It feels, I don’t know. It feels. I don’t think I know how to answer that, I’m sorry.

  Carrie You never need to apologise.

  Lorna I suppose you could say it feels a little like waking up somewhere unfamiliar. You wake up, you look around, unsure, you know, for a moment, where you are. And then, I don’t know, the uncertainty disappears and you just get on with it.

  Carrie You don’t feel you’re missing something?

  Lorna I’m sorry but what are these questions really about?

  Carrie They’re not about anything. They’re not even really supposed to feel like questions.

  Lorna I’m feeling a real weight of expectation –

  Carrie I don’t expect any –

  Lorna I agreed to meet with you –

  Carrie I’m sorry – Please –

  Lorna People’ve told me, friends, that you were incredibly good, kind –

  Carrie You can go – You don’t have to stay –

  Lorna Just talk. That’s all you have to do.

  Carrie Got it.

  Lorna Talk to me, you know, stop asking me things.

  Carrie I will, okay, but, to clarify, you said a moment ago, you said it would do you ‘little to no’ –

  Lorna I, fine, I don’t know, I don’t know what you want me to say?

  Carrie I don’t want you to say, or do, or feel that you have to do anything. I wanted to see you. That was all.

  Beat.

  The choir sang at the wedding. You didn’t stick it out, the choir, you didn’t stay with it. But they were, yeah, arguably some of our closest friends. They sang the first dance. As in we danced while they sang. Rather than having a band, or a – They were, a cappella, unaccompanied, and we were dancing.

  Lorna What did they sing?

  Carrie ‘Mirrorball’.

  Lorna seemingly doesn’t know it.

  You didn’t really want it. But it was the first dance at my parents’ wedding. You said, yeah, you said it was too sentimental. But it reminded me of them, my parents.

  Lorna You were at your parents’ wedding?

  Carrie No, I – Sorry – As in, I meant, I’ve seen the footage. Retrospectively. (Sings, soft, fragile.) ‘Down to you, de–ar.’

  No, Lorna doesn’t know it. Beat.

  There were readings, too, as well, there were some readings. ‘A Scattering’ was yours and then ‘Wedding’ was mine. And we –

  Lorna (does remember/know ‘A Scattering’) Which one? From ‘Scattering’, which one –

  Carrie ‘Scattering’, it was the, the poem itself. All the ones, all your suggestions were really morbid …! They were all about death. Or dying. Or, yeah, people being widowed. Illness. And I said, I said, people are going to think we’re willing this thing to fail. But you said, you said death and marriage go hand in hand. You start, the start is about, you commit because of death, not, yeah, not – If more people started thinking about death sooner you said, we’d all fuck up a lot less.

  Lorna I don’t know.

  Carrie Well, it’s what you said. ‘Wedding’ is beautiful, by the way. If you don’t remem— (Corrects herself.) If you don’t know it, then you should, yeah – I have a copy in fact. If you –r />
  Lorna Is there anything you want from me?

  Carrie … Want?

  Lorna I don’t know, yes, is there something specific?

  Carrie There are lots of things I want from you.

  Lorna But is there anything in particular I can help you with?

  Carrie You could let me kiss you.

  A flicker of irritation from Lorna.

  That was a joke.

  Lorna I think that would be, you know, I wouldn’t say I’m particularly comfortable with that.

  Carrie I want to love you, if that’s what you mean. That’s what I miss, how about that, I miss loving you, I miss actually loving you. In some ways, the irony of all this, is that if you had died – Because it’s as if you are dead, because you look at me as if I’m a ghost. But there you are, it’s you, in front of me. And I remember, I remember every single last fucking there is.

  Lorna That sounds like a threat.

  Carrie What?

  Lorna Wishing I was dead –

  Carrie No, I wasn’t –

  Lorna I am, I don’t know, sorry for you, you know, in a way. You clearly, I don’t know, you put a lot into – All this – Helping me – But I don’t, fine, no I don’t see anything when I look at you. It’s like glass, it’s like a pane of glass. There’s half a reflection maybe, but it doesn’t mean anything to me. And in a way, I don’t know, I think that’s probably better. Because if I did – see something – then we’d know something was wrong. We’d know something hadn’t worked. Look, there’s an issue in that we’re still married.

  ‘Married’ might hang in the air for a moment or two.

  Carrie … Fuck …

  Lorna I don’t know how to put it, you know …

  Carrie Jesus.

  Lorna It can wait. It’s not per se urgent. But I think it would be cleaner –

  Carrie ‘Cleaner’?

  Lorna Yes.

  Carrie That is a horrible – ‘Cleaner’ – That is such a horrible –

  Lorna Neater, I don’t know, more straightforward –

  Carrie Maybe you were right, maybe I should kill you, take all your money, keep all our things.

  Beat.

  That was a joke, come on, that was so clearly –

  Lorna It wasn’t funny.

  Carrie You used to make jokes like that all the –

  Lorna I’m not that person.

  Carrie Well, you look pretty fucking similar to me.

  Beat.

  You’re the person you are when I met you. No? You’re that person. Because that’s where they set you back to. No?

  Lorna I don’t know.

  Carrie Stop saying that, Christ! (Beat.) I want to help, I’m sorry, of course I want to help. I’ll do whatever you need.

  Lorna Thank you.

  Beat.

  Carrie If I want to contact you again how should I do that?

  Lorna Through the, the same as this time would be good for me, via the solicitor.

  Carrie What about the LPA?

  Lorna I don’t know. Given I’m still alive, I assume it’s null and void. But.

  Beat.

  Carrie I nearly had octopus last night, would you believe.

  She was hoping this might mean something to Lorna, but seemingly it doesn’t. Beat. Carrie looks right at Lorna, who holds her gaze.

  I was apoplectic when the hospital said I couldn’t see you any more.

  Lorna says nothing.

  They really did take it all, didn’t they?

  Lorna And thank God they did. Because I am better. I have a life. I have a life now.

  SIX

  Miriam You know what, let’s move on.

  Carrie Yeah, I think that’s a, because yeah, if I’m honest –

  Miriam (moving them on) Lorna has requested – I’ve had a request from Lorna – Lorna has requested that you no longer – that you cease visitations. Your visitations cease. Indefinitely.

  Carrie (beat) Why?

  Miriam Lorna, she feels, in the build-up to being discharged, she feels she wants to keep her previous, she feels she now wants to focus on her life going forward.

  Carrie This request was made to you?

  Miriam It was.

  Carrie Directly to you?

  Miriam It was.

  Carrie What about the, about the, the other, the rest – She said that?

  Miriam Said what, sorry?

  Carrie Not seeing me.

  Miriam The request came directly from Lorna, that’s correct. In the build-up to being discharged –

  Carrie She was upset? What, by my visits?

  Miriam You know what I think, it was a combination of factors.

  Carrie Fuck off a combination. That was so obviously a yes-or-no-straight-answer question.

  Miriam I can only pass on what I was asked to pass on.

  Carrie Or you can take some responsibility. You can take some responsibility and be upfront with me.

  Miriam Once Lorna is discharged, there will be a period of recovery. Of transition. Aftercare. Which will involve a variety of different, a very intensive, particular –

  Carrie I can help with that.

  Miriam Okay.

  Carrie I can help her, in a, with the, in a no-strings-attached capacity I can help.

  Miriam Would you like me to relay that to Lorna?

  Carrie Yes. Yes, I would.

  Miriam Then okay, then, you know what, I will.

  Carrie But what do you think? What do you think this is about?

  Miriam You know what, speaking honest, speaking honestly with you, we see this a lot. I’ve had, I’ve seen patients leave their families, give up their jobs. Big, big changes in lifestyle. It’s a second chance. (Beat.) People respond, people … recover in all manner of different – Not to mention at each stage of the – Lorna might feel a particular way at this particular point in time. But it might not reflect how she feels in the longer term.

  Carrie Are you saying I’ll be stopped?

  Miriam Stopped?

  Carrie If I try to visit.

  Miriam The hospital will respect the wishes of the patient.

  Carrie You’ll throw me out?

  Miriam I personally won’t be responsible –

  Carrie I know, I know, I’m not saying, I’m not saying you, I’m saying –

  Miriam If Lorna, if she feels in any way, let’s say, if she feels in any way uncomfortable, or –

  Carrie I have Lasting Power of Attorney.

  Miriam I’m passing on Lorna’s request, that’s all I can do.

  Carrie Will you tell her that I would like to see her again.

  Miriam Okay.

  Carrie Will you tell her that her that, yeah, that I would like to sit with her again.

  Miriam Okay.

  Carrie Sit down with her and have a conversation.

  Miriam I will.

  Carrie Will she be seeing her family still? Nieces, nephews.

  Miriam (beat) Carrie, would you mind if I say something to you? And you know what, I’m saying this to you off the record. You have, the decision you undertook has saved, preserved, Lorna’s life. Without this procedure, the disease would have taken her life from her. It would have robbed her, unequivocally, of the, it would have taken who she is, or was, it would have taken that from her. Slowly and painfully and without remorse. And you have supported Lorna at every stage, with a grace and a dignity that is – And that, now, that commitment, that drive to save, to prevent this illness, this disease, the drive to ensure – That is what we now have to focus on. I would suggest. We have to allow Lorna the autonomy, give her the agency, to decide who she now wishes to be. Right or wrong, for better or worse.

  Carrie Giving someone autonomy after you’ve hijacked a not insignificant amount of their, fucking, seems to me to be somewhat of a contradiction in terms.

  Miriam You said it yourself, it was Lorna’s wish that you have Lasting Power of Attorney.

  Carrie I swear I’m gonna burn this fucking place to
the ground.

  Beat.

  I won’t, that was, obviously that is not something I actually intend to do.

  Miriam Carrie – And I think we may have touched on this briefly at one point, but – I wonder, have you thought about – Because there are a variety, a wide variety, of, for people in your position – Support.

  Carrie Therapy, you’re talking about –

  Miriam I recently worked with, a priest, a parish priest – And this particular patient had asked us to remove – There had been, the patient –

  Carrie The priest.

  Miriam Had been responsible for a, an accident. A pile-up. And he couldn’t, he wrestled, but he couldn’t comprehend, he, as he put it – He couldn’t live with himself. So the team and I, we went back, right back, as per his wishes, and removed any instance, any exhibition of, or behaviour tied to – Long-term, short-term –

  Carrie I don’t understand?

  Miriam His faith.

  Carrie My head is about to – You removed his –

  Miriam His faith, yes.

  Carrie I don’t believe that is something you can have actually –

  Miriam The point – One or two members of his congregation were set completely adrift –

  Carrie (interrupting on ‘One or two’) Yeah no I’m serious because this is the problem. Isn’t it? It’s this – distinction. Or something. Between what you think you did and what you actually did. You can’t take away someone’s – Because that isn’t how it – Taking all the bits doesn’t mean you took the, the thing itself. Because all the, all the bits, all the bits add up to something far greater, I mean, my God, far greater than –

  Miriam We can help. There is help available. That was all I wanted to convey to you, Carrie.

  Carrie You’ve done – I don’t want your – Makes me shudder, thinking about, talking, like this. As if what happens to us doesn’t mean anything. As if we don’t learn from it, ’s if it doesn’t matter. I may never see Lorna again. We may never – But loving her has unquestionably – And I am not prepared to have you, splice me open and, plug me in or whatever the – I want this.