Constellations Page 4
Roland I don’t really know what to say.
Marianne You don’t have to say anything.
Roland No I know but I want to; I want to know what to say to you.
Marianne A lot of people apparently never go through with it.
Roland How do you mean?
Marianne A lot of people, once they’ve been given the green night
Night
Once they’ve A lot of
Roland It’s okay.
Marianne They’re, they’re happy enough knowing it’s there.
* * *
Roland How bad is it? Mary –
Marianne It’s pretty bad.
Roland How bad is pretty bad?
Marianne They said being under forty might help, but –
Roland Mary, how bad is pretty bad?
Marianne I’m not sure I want to talk about it right away.
Roland Mary I’ve been waiting around on tenterhooks.
Marianne I’m not sure I can talk about it right away.
Roland Do you want something to drink, do you want some water?
Marianne No thank you.
Roland Do you want some booze, I mean –
Marianne I’m just after a moment’s silence and then I’ll tell you anything you want.
Beat.
He said, I think, something like a third, a third of people live for a year.
Roland What about the other two?
Marianne What?
Roland What about the other two-thirds, how long do they –
Marianne I don’t know, Roland, I don’t know.
Roland What did they tell you, what did the –
Marianne I don’t – I don’t know. I can’t remember. They gave me some leaflets. I mean fuck me, why does it matter what happens to the other two-thirds?
Roland Why does it matter?
Marianne Yes.
Roland It matters because presumably we don’t know which third you’re going to be?
Marianne Why are you being arsey with me –
Roland I’m not being –
Marianne Yes you are, you’re being arsey. You’re getting mad at me for not remembering this number or that number – I mean who gives a fuck –
Roland All right –
Marianne I’ll go upstairs and get my fucking handbag and you can rifle through the plethora of leaflets if it bothers you that fucking –
Roland All right. All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Did he talk about treatment?
Marianne He said they can operate. Try and remove it, remove as much of it as they can. Then they said radiotherapy but if I’m too weak for radiotherapy, they said chemo. Shitload of chemo. It’s right at the front.
Roland The front?
Marianne It’s all over the frontal lobe.
Roland I don’t know what that means.
Marianne He said I might have trouble selecting words. Selecting the right words. He said I should expect seizures.
Roland Jesus Christ.
Marianne It’s palliative. Whatever they do. It’s not – They can’t.
Roland Okay.
Marianne They said this is it.
Roland Okay.
Marianne This is it, they said.
Roland Okay. Okay.
* * *
Marianne Why don’t you sit down?
Roland I need to sit down, do I?
Marianne Maybe. I mean. No, standing is fine.
Roland I would have come with you if you’d told me, you know.
Marianne I know.
Roland I would’ve cancelled –
Marianne I know. I wanted to go alone.
Roland I’m a bit angry actually, Mary.
Marianne Angry?
Roland I’m saying so that you know.
Marianne You’re angry?
Roland I’m saying so that you know because I don’t want to have an argument.
Marianne Glad to fucking hear it.
Roland All right.
Marianne I’m sorry you missed out on the sheer joy that was collecting the results of my biopsy, Roland.
Roland All right.
Marianne But, forgive me, I didn’t feel like inviting along a fucking entourage of onlookers.
Roland All right! Christ. I’m telling you so I can get it off my chest because I want to be as honest with you as I possibly can. Because I don’t know what you’re about to say but it’s clearly bad news and I want to be able to listen and not be thinking I wonder what she did with herself once she heard?
Marianne The reason –
Roland I wonder why she didn’t call me straight away?
Marianne I knew that you were –
Roland Because I would have dropped absolutely anything and everything and I wonder if she knows that?
* * *
Marianne So I got my biopsy results.
Roland Today?
Marianne They called me and asked me to come in.
Roland Who did you see?
Marianne Dr Thorne.
Roland What did he say?
Marianne He said it’s benign.
Roland What?
Marianne He said that it’s a grade one and he said that it’s benign.
Roland Wait, he said that –
Marianne He said that, ordinarily, with a grade one he would expect to see a full recovery.
Roland Did he use the phrase ‘full recovery’?
Marianne Exact quote.
Roland He said –
Marianne Ordinarily we would expect to see a full recovery.
Roland Fucking hell.
Marianne Yeah.
Roland What happens now?
Marianne They need to operate.
Roland But he definitely used the phrase ‘full recovery’?
Marianne He did.
Beat.
Roland Are you all right?
Marianne Yeah.
Roland Are you sure?
Marianne Yeah.
Roland Are you hungry, do you want some bolognaise? Home-made.
Marianne Have we got any of the nice spaghetti?
Roland I love you.
* * *
Marianne It’s called a glioblastoma multiforme.
Roland Right.
Marianne It’s a grade four.
Roland Right.
Marianne It’s at the front.
Roland Okay.
Marianne Which is why I’ve been having trouble –
Roland Speaking.
Marianne He said he thinks they should operate.
Roland Great.
Marianne He said he thinks that’s what they should start with.
Roland Great.
Marianne And then he suggested radiotherapy.
Roland Okay.
Marianne But he said that if I’m too weak for radiotherapy –
Roland Too weak?
Marianne Yes.
Roland Okay, sorry.
Marianne He said that if I’m too weak for radiotherapy then chemo is probably better.
Roland Okay.
Marianne He … he said that …
Roland We can stop.
Marianne No, I’m okay.
Roland We could eat.
Marianne No, I’m fine.
Roland Honestly, we can stop, we can eat.
Marianne Think I’d rather. Think I’d rather just get –
Roland No, you’re right –
Marianne Think I’d rather just get through it.
Roland Absolutely.
Marianne It’s a year.
Roland A year?
Marianne Probably less.
Roland It’s probably less than a year?
Marianne He didn’t say that, but.
Roland They didn’t say that?
Marianne I went online.
Roland But they didn’t tell you that?
Marianne They said we should talk about all of that when we next meet, but when I got back to campus –
Roland
Mary –
Marianne I know, I know. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have done it. I went on a forum.
Roland A forum?
Marianne People had left all these dedications to all these people they had known that had died. There were pages and pages of them. Most of them were really wet and drippy. I got really fucking angry.
Roland Angry?
Marianne There’s so much bullshit.
Roland You mean on the –
Marianne When someone dies.
Roland Right.
Marianne There’s so much bullshit. ‘When your time’s up your time’s up.’
Roland Right.
Marianne ‘Time’, I mean what on earth are they even talking about?
Roland Why don’t we –
Marianne ‘She was a real fighter.’ Was she? Well, she obviously didn’t do a very good fucking job, did she?
Roland All right.
Marianne Some of them had uploaded photos.
Roland We should eat.
Marianne There was a photograph of a woman with God knows how many tubes hanging out of her and she was surrounded by these garish fucking balloons.
Roland Some people like to give people balloons.
Marianne If you give me a balloon, I will fucking garotte you.
Roland Note to self.
Marianne And if you put a photo of me on a fucking forum, I will haunt the shit out of you.
Roland No forums.
Marianne goes to cry, but stops herself.
Okay. Let’s eat. We should eat.
* * *
Marianne and Roland use sign language for the following lines.
Marianne It’s a kind of cancer. A kind of tumour.
Roland Okay.
Marianne It’s at the front.
Roland Okay.
Marianne It’s the reason I’ve been having trouble typing.
Roland I understand.
Marianne The doctor thinks they should operate.
Roland Good.
Marianne Operation to start with.
Roland Great.
Marianne Then he suggested radiotherapy.
Roland Okay.
Marianne But he said that if I’m too weak for radiotherapy then chemo is probably better. It’s a year.
Roland A year?
Marianne Might be less.
Roland Less than a year?
Marianne Yes.
Roland Less than one year of your life to live?
Marianne Wasn’t specific.
Roland What did the doctor say?
Marianne I went online.
Roland Who said less than one year?
Marianne They said we should talk about all of that when we next meet, but when I got back to campus, I went on a forum.
Roland A forum?
Marianne Yes.
Roland Why did you go on to a forum?
Marianne People had left all these dedications to all these people they had known that had died. There were pages and pages of them. Most of them were really wet and drippy. I got really angry.
Roland Angry?
Marianne There’s so much crap.
Roland What do you mean?
Marianne When someone dies.
Roland Right.
Marianne There’s so much crap. ‘When your time’s up your time’s up.’
Roland Right.
Marianne ‘She was a real fighter.’ Was she? Well, she obviously didn’t do a very good fucking job, did she?
Roland All right.
Marianne Some of them had uploaded photos.
Roland We should have something to eat.
Marianne There was a photograph of a woman with God knows how many tubes hanging out of her and she was surrounded by these garish fucking balloons.
Roland Some people like to give people balloons.
Marianne If you give me a balloon, I will fucking garotte you.
Roland Note to self.
Marianne And if you put a photo of me on a fucking forum, I will haunt the shit out of you.
Roland No forums.
Marianne goes to cry, but stops herself.
Why don’t we have something to eat?
* * *
Marianne I think I’d like to go abroad.
Roland What do you mean?
Marianne I’m not. I’m not sure how much of a difference the chemo is really making.
Roland D’you mean you’re not sure or they’re not sure?
Marianne I mean me. I mean I’m not sure.
Roland Why? What aren’t you sure about, why aren’t you sure?
Marianne It’s ganging
It’s
It’s
I was coming home. I was on the train and I was c-coming home. A group of men got on. A group of thirty-year-old men. They were pissed. I was sat at a table and I had my laptop out. They sat at my table and the table opposite. They started, they started winding me up. I put my laptop in my bag and I tried to move to a different seat. But they blocked me, they wouldn’t let me past. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t find the right words and they started laughing. They howled with laughter. I started to cry and finally one of them said that’s enough.
Roland You should have said, you should have told me.
Marianne I went on to campus.
Roland What do you mean, what for?
Marianne To have lunch with Melisa. I had a seizure.
Roland What? When? Mary.
Marianne A couple of weeks ago.
Roland A couple of weeks ago?
Marianne Yes.
Roland Why didn’t you tell me?
Marianne It’s the words, Roland. It’s exhibit
It’s ex
It’s becoming more and more tiring.
Roland You mean speaking to me, the two of us, is tiring, or you mean everything?
Marianne I mean everything.
Roland I didn’t realise.
Marianne I know.
Roland I’m sorry.
Marianne I know.
Roland I don’t know what to do.
Marianne You don’t have to do anything.
Roland I want to help.
Marianne You are.
Roland So when you say abroad, you mean abroad and not come back?
Marianne Potentially yes.
Roland How does it work?
Marianne You become a member.
Roland A member?
Marianne Pay some money.
Roland How much?
Marianne I don’t know what it is in pounds.
Roland Then what?
Marianne If you’re serious you write to them.
Roland Meaning what?
Marianne Outline why they ought to be taking you seriously.
Roland And if they do?
Marianne You meet someone.
Roland Out there or here?
Marianne Out there. You
You
You have to meet them a couple of times.
Roland Always out there?
Marianne I think so.
Roland Then what?
Marianne Then it’s up to you.
Roland How do they do it, how does it work?
Marianne They use something called a Bar
Abar
A
A
Roland It’s okay.
Marianne They mix it with water.
Roland I don’t really know what to say.
Marianne You don’t have to say anything.
Roland No I know but I want to; I want to know what to say to you.
Marianne A lot of people apparently never go through with it.
Roland How do you mean?
Marianne A lot of people, once they’ve been given the green night
Night
Once they’ve A lot of
Roland It’s okay.
Marianne They’re, they’re happy enough knowing it’s there.
Roland How do you know that?
Marianne
It’s on the website.
Roland When you say a lot how many are we talking?
Marianne I think it was something like two-thirds. Safety net. For a lot of people.
Roland And is that how you’re feeling about it?
Marianne I don’t know.
Roland Would I be able to come with you?
Marianne I’m going to speak to Martin. Would you want to? Come with me.
Roland Would you want me to come with you?
Marianne nods. Beat.
Marianne I keep thinking of Mum.
Roland In what way?
Marianne Before she died.
Roland Right.
Marianne When she said she didn’t want any more food.
Roland Yeah.
Marianne Do you remember?
Roland I’m not sure we ever really talked about it?
Marianne I thought we did?
Roland Bits and pieces maybe.
Marianne Well she said she wanted them to stop the IV, did we talk about that?
Roland I think maybe we did yeah.
Marianne They asked me to leave. I went back the next day and she was starting to look like a ghost. It takes an enormous amount of strength. When you’re like that. To keep going. I’m not sure I have it.
Roland You don’t know. You don’t know that.
Marianne Sinking feeling.
Roland Mary listen to me –
Marianne I’m so tired. I’m so tired, Roland. Before people had face
Before they had face
Face before they
FUCK.
Roland Okay.
Marianne God.
Roland God?
Marianne People’s lives were their own. Before it became skin
Skin, it became
Skin
Roland Skin?
Marianne Mum wasn’t scared of dying, she was scared of being kept alive. You know?
Roland Yes.
Marianne That wasn’t what scared her.
Roland I understand.
Marianne It’s not just the speaking.
Roland Okay now I don’t understand?
Marianne Reading. I’m having trouble – Numbers, words, on the page. I don’t know how to explain it. Typing. Typing, as well.
Roland In what way?
Marianne I know the word. I know the word I’m trying to type. But I don’t know the letters. None of the letters seem right. Rea
Rea
Rea
Roland You don’t need to finish.
Marianne I want to.
Roland I think I know what you’re trying to say.
Marianne How How can you know what I’m trying to say?
Mmm Most of the time I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.
Roland You’re right I was being polite because I don’t want you to wear yourself out.
Marianne Maybe we should get me a notepad to hang around my neck?
Roland What?
Marianne Kidding.
Roland Mary fucking hell.